The Epidemic of Men's Violence Against Women

What does it mean for educators and can we really make a difference?

This summer the National Police Chiefs’ Council (NPCC) called the epidemic of men’s violence against women in the UK a national emergency, and a cursory glance at the news headlines on any given day tells us why. 

Both in the UK and further afield, in September alone we’ve seen several horrifying news stories break that involve the death or assault of women from all walks of life by men, often those closest to them. From a man murdering three women in their own home with a crossbow, to an 18 year-old boy murdering his own family in their home in Luton. From an Olympic runner brutally set alight and killed by her ex-boyfriend in Kenya, to a man in France facilitating and participating in the rape of his own wife by 51 different men. No amount of professional success or family bonds excludes women from risk; we are not, it seems, even safe in our own homes.  And unfortunately, these are only a few of the recent examples I was able to find. 

The NPCC report tells us that between 2018 and 2023, there was a 37% increase in violent crimes against women and girls. Last year, crimes against women and girls constituted 20% of all crimes documented by the police in England & Wales. These are staggering figures, and, I would argue, the natural result of a society that undervalues female life and which prizes power and domination as the ultimate male reward. And until we start to unpick the complicated ways in which patriarchal values harm men, as well as bring them privilege, we will continue to reap the devastating consequences. 

Just some of the horrifying headlines I was able to find

Clearly, the onus can’t continue to be on women to avoid dangerous situations, to wear the right clothes or to behave in the right ways to escape harm. Men and boys need to be part of the solution. It’s common to hear the phrase ‘not all men’ (so common it’s become a meme), but it’s far less common to hear men engaging in conversations with peers about behaviour or language they find concerning, or that they know to be crossing a line. Many men know they would never behave violently towards women, but how many can say they would feel confident challenging casual misogyny and sexism that go hand in hand with such behaviour?

The truth is many men and boys are ill-prepared for these moments.  We can ask them to call out harmful behaviour, but without helping foster the intimate friendships and emotional literacy needed to navigate those difficult conversations, we might not see the results we’re hoping for. To be clear, I certainly do not want to argue that violence is inevitable or that poor behaviour should be excused - perpetrators of violence, sexism and misogyny should be held to account without a doubt. But as an educator and a parent, I can’t help but consider the way such behaviour relates back to how we prepare boys and men to engage with the world. 

From an early age, boys are socialised to believe that vulnerability is a weakness, and that forming deep emotional connections with other men is something to be avoided or ridiculed. As a result, many men don’t feel safe to express emotions, challenge each other’s views, or call out harmful behaviour. Looking at the relationships of boys and men that I know and love, I can see why they might struggle to intervene when their friends cross boundaries. They lack the practice of navigating difficult, emotionally charged conversations that for many girls is part and parcel of friendship. 

At the heart of all this are deeply-entrenched ideas about what it means to be a man—things like toughness, stoicism, and the need to always be in control. These expectations are difficult to live up to, and the feeling of shame that comes with the failure to do so can be a powerful driver of violence - psychologists have actually named this phenomenon ‘masculine discrepancy stress’. Research indicates that men who experience higher levels of this condition are more likely to engage in various forms of violence, such as sexual violence, intimate partner abuse, and armed assault.

When we consider these long-term, deeply ingrained beliefs many of us hold about what it means to be a man, and a woman for that matter, changing the dial of opinion, and thus behaviour, can feel like an overwhelming task. Clearly, a multi-pronged approach would be best, but I firmly believe there are small and realistic changes those of us working with young people can make which can better prepare them to speak up, and to face some of the emotions that can lead to violent behaviour too. 

The stories we tell

Photo by Michał Parzuchowski on Unsplash

In her fantastic book ‘Boy Mum’, Ruth Whippman makes reference to the ‘narrative universe’ that boys inhabit through books, TV and films; drawing attention not only to a lack of diverse character representation, but also to a severe lack of stories that aid emotional development for boys. Narrative is often driven by action & adventure, a hero’s quest to win and the associated struggles they overcome. Unlike much of the media aimed at girls, exploration of friendship, caring for others, interpersonal conflict and resolution is rarely the key takeaway. So right from the very early years, girls are receiving an education about emotional intelligence and interpersonal relationships that boys are missing out on. 

While we can’t necessarily re-write the canon of children’s literature overnight, perhaps we can start to highlight this difference to the kids in our lives. Talk to boys about their friendships, ask questions about the missing details in their stories - how the characters might be feeling, how they would feel in that situation and how it could impact those around them. Encourage this in their own writing too. Model frequently talking about your own emotions and relationships, things you’ve struggled with, how you’ve dealt with them and what it means to be a good friend, sibling, classmate. Encourage boys in particular to take an interest in the emotional wellbeing of those around them, and to see caring for others as a way to be a good friend. 

Teaching vulnerability

Photo by Joey Nicotra on Unsplash

My own newly-four-year-old son is already obsessed with superheroes, with zero encouragement on my part. When I ask him what he’s drawn to he talks about how strong, how fast, how brave and powerful they are. He’s received the message, loud and clear, about the qualities he ‘should’ aspire to as a boy. My husband often tells me not to put so much stock on the whims of a preschooler, and maybe he has a point, but part of me wonders if this, already, is a sign that he views softness and emotion as weakness. Will he grow up to value stoicism, strength and power above all else? I’m trying to counteract this by actively teaching vulnerability. Acknowledging that it can be difficult to express how you feel, that it can feel risky going against the grain, but that the rewards are usually worth it. I let him know when I’m nervous, disappointed, regretful, for example, and I ask his dad to do the same. In the classroom, circle time could be a great forum for kids to gradually express aloud how they are feeling, to communicate openly with each other, and to model healthy relationships amongst each other - whether it be answering question prompts, or solving class disputes. Making sure boys can take a lead in some of these conversations rather than letting them fall to the girls in the class could be a great indicator to everyone that emotional intelligence isn’t a gendered skill. 

It goes both ways

Research shows that young children of all genders are susceptible to gender stereotypes and often uphold them both for boys and girls, especially as they are looking for rules to help them make sense of the world. So as we try to expand our children’s view of what’s acceptable and de-gender certain characteristics, skills and behaviours, let’s not forget that the message needs to go out to girls and boys alike. Just like adult women can be guilty of upholding set standards of what it means to be a man, girls can place expectations on boys which can build social pressure to conform. In the classroom and at home, create an open environment where young people can discuss and challenge gender expectations going both ways, helping them to reflect on their own beliefs and biases, and how they might affect others.

If we can build the emotional literacy of boys from a young age, and encourage all children to see vulnerability and healthy relationships as strengths, perhaps we can go some way towards addressing one of the causes of violence, as well as our problems addressing it effectively.

As always, these are my personal views, and I would love to hear your perspective. Comment below or connect with me via LinkedIn to keep the conversation going!