Boys Like Dark Colours

This was the latest declaration from my 4 year-old, sent to make me question what I’m doing. "What’s your favorite colour?" he asks."Mine are black and dark green, because boys like dark colours."

My family turn and raise their eyebrows at me. "How’s she going to handle this one?", they wonder. I detect a slight smirk from my husband who can’t help but find it funny what a 'boy' we seem to have produced, despite my best efforts.

I’d be lying if I said moments like this don’t come around often. My son is obsessed with being strong and fast. His preferred method of travel is jumping like Spiderman. At least, mercifully, he seems to have skipped the transport obsession of many of his peers. Still, It would be easy to look at him and see clear evidence that boys will indeed be boys.

Am I being trolled by my own son? What exactly is the point of trying to talk this through with him when he seems hell-bent on demonstrating every gender stereotype going? Is he going to do me out of a job? These are some of my more irrational thoughts as I gather myself to respond. He blinks at me, waiting.

"Yes, some boys like dark colours," I reply, "just like some girls like dark colours. And there are boys who like light and bright colours too, just like some girls. We like the colours we like, but it’s not because we’re a girl or a boy."

He looks out the window - I’m losing him, but plough on regardless.

"I like yellow and lilac", I tell him.

"No mummy," he responds. "Your favourite is violet red."

And with that, the conversation moves on.

I lie in bed that night, mulling it all over. I find it terribly disappointing for him if black and dark green are his favourites - he used to tell me he loved rainbows. On the one hand, colour preference might not seem like a big deal, but on the other, the meaning and symbolism we attach to colours can be significant. To me, bright colours signify joy, creativity, freedom of expression and emotion. It's hard to deny that we traditionally associate these colours and these characteristics with femininity, while darker colours are seen as stronger, more serious, more closed...more masculine?

Maybe those dark colours do bring him genuine joy, or maybe he likes the feeling of validation that comes with following the rules of boyhood he's picking up already. Afterall, a short walk through the boys clothing section in most shops tell him those are the colours for him. I want him to be free to like what he truly likes, but how can I tell what that is when our preferences are so tied up in outside influences? I guess what I can and will continue to do is to offer him choices and ask questions that gently challenge those stereotypes when they arise.

In the moment, I chose to deploy what I call the ‘some’ technique. Research has shown that using more specific language with children can help them be less likely to make generalisations, and to develop and endorse stereotypes. Replacing "Boys like…" with "some boys like…" or "those boys like…" might actually help children conceptualise that so-called rules don’t apply to everyone. Highlighting real people or examples they are familiar with can also help break down these rigid stereotypes children hold. I make a mental note to ask him about the drag queens he enjoys watching with me on TV, and what colours they like to wear, both as boys and girls. It also occurs to me that Spiderman wears a lot of bright red - definitely something I'll be mentioning to him soon!

These moments continue to challenge me, to make me reconsider and redefine my mission as I go. Working towards gender equity isn’t about getting all boys act like girls, or vice versa. It’s about seeing and unpicking the value we attach to characteristics and behaviours we deem to be masculine or feminine. It’s about giving our kids choices, and helping them see past the rigid barriers that often they themselves impose as they search for order and meaning in the world. Whether this allows them to better express themselves, or to be more accepting of those who don't follow the gender 'rules', surely it can only be a good thing!